


All the Irons in the Fire

by trainedArsenist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-12 05:11:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trainedArsenist/pseuds/trainedArsenist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a vriskat fic that I've written with two endings: one explicit, one not. I'm not sure if I want to upload the explicit ending but inbox me if you want it I guess. Have fun reading.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was coming close to Culling Day, again. Except this time, you don't have a kismesis!

You are Karkat Vantas, a troll on the dark planet of Alternia. Culling Day is nearing and you have no idea how you're going to live through it. You have Nepeta Leijon as your Matesprit, her intolerable puns began to grow on you and now the both of you are in a strong, loving relationship. She seems especially excited about that.

Yet with such low-class blood, so low that it is not even on the haemospectrum, you are not going to get away with just filling one pail. You are going to need a kismesis.

* * *

Finding someone for a kismesis shouldn't be that hard should it? Considering that you hate almost everyone with the audacity to take up your time with stupid games or bone-bulgingly bad conversations.

Your first person for the glorious position of hate-love is Terezi Pyrope. However you kind of blew it with her. She didn't really appreciate your neediness for her in all of your quadrants. Anyway, she's probably in a kismesissitude with your best friend and moirail, Gamzee Makara. Jegus you hate her for that, but you could never hate your moirail, no matter how crazy, stupid or mean he was to you.

Your next thought drifts towards Eridan Ampora. Glob damn it you hate that hipster douchebag. But you would rather that both of you get culled than having do go through his obnoxious repulsive spongedead assmaggotry. He'll probably try to make it a thing and prolong it for as long as he can that desperate fuck. Glob damN you hate him. BUT NOT IN THAT WAY YOU PERVERTED DEITIES KNOWN AS READERS!!!!!!!!

You go over to your husktop to check out who's online. It seems that Sollux is online. You choose to begin trolling him.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

CG: HEY DOUCHEBAG. WHAT'S GOING ON?  
TA: nothiin much, you?  
CG: JUST A BUNCH OF MIND FUCKING, LUMPSQUIRTING SHIT. SO THE USUAL.  
CG: DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT, ARE YOU OK FOR CULLING DAY?  
TA: whoa kk. II didnt thiink that you thought of me that way.  
CG: FUCK YOU! D:B  
TA: ju2t kiiddiing kk. Iim fiine though. II have ff for redrom beliieve iit or knot hehehe.  
TA: the down2iide ii2 that 2he ii2 makiing me have my kii2mefii2h wiith that 2tupiid hiip2ter.  
TA: then agaiin, who el2e would be my ki2mefii2h? II dont reely hate anyone other than him.  
CG: SOLLUX, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE RED FOR FEFERI DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD USE FISH PUNS. I HAVE JUST GOTTEN PAST NEPETA'S, AND YOUR'S ARE JUST MINDNUMBING.  
CG: HOWEVER, I DO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU WITH THE WHOLE ERIDAN THING. NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.  
TA: yeah true. 2o why do you a2k?  
CG: WHAT? CAN'T A TROLL JUST LOOK OUT FOR HIS FRIEND?!?!?!?!  
TA: they can. but youre not that 2ort of troll are you?  
TA: iif II had to gue22, you don't have a kii2me2ii2.  
CG : WHAT? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? IS IT YOUR SHITFUCKING DISASTER POWERS? DOES SOMETHING BAD COME OF THIS????????  
TA: nah bro. but con2iideriing that youre red with np and that tz is taken, you have no one for your blackrom. dude, iit ii2nt binary.  
CG: SHIT.  
CG: WELL YOU'RE RIGHT.  
CG: ANY IDEAS?  
TA: II would 2ugge2t Eriidan but II already have hiim unfortunately.  
TA: what about Equiius?  
CG: NO. FUCK HIM. HE GOTS OFF MY ORDERS ALL THE TIME AND IS SIMPLY INTOLERABLE.  
TA: II can 2ee iit already.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
TA: alriight then, what about hii2 neighbour?  
CG: WHO'S THAT?  
TA: oh come on man, vrii2ka.  
CG: OH, RIGHT.  
CG: AND FUCK YOU! THAT'S RIDICULOUS!  
TA: no way man. you’ve been doiing 8s all niight. iit2 a2 iif you’ve known all along. lol.  
CG: FUCK YOU. GIVE ME A FUCKING EXAMPLE.  
TA: sure thing kk.  
TA: CAN'T A TROLL JUST LOOK OUT FOR HIS FRIEND?!?!?!?!  
TA: OF THIS????????  
TA: want any more?  
CG: NO.  
CG: THANKS BUT FUCK YOU.  
CG: BUT IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?  
CG: SHE HAS SO MUCH HATE, SURELY SHE HAS A KISMESIS.  
TA: well wiith that much hate, would you expect for her two have many friiend2, or people wiilliing to come clo2e two her for that matter?  
CG: I GUESS NOT  
TA: yeah, 2omehow tavro2 put2 up wiith her though.  
TA: enough two be in a mate2priit2hiip 2omehow.  
TA: but 2he2 free in blackrom.  
CG: YEAH THANKS.  
CG: I GUESS I'LL DO THAT THEN.  
CG: SEE YOU LATER DOUCHEBAG.  
TA: cya kk.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

You walk around your respite block, trying to think things through. What are you going to tell Vriska? "HEY FUCKASS WANT TO HATEFUCK ME?" No way, that would never work. As you think, a small ping comes from your computer. Someone's messaged you. As you read who it's from, our jaw drops.

"SPEAK OF THE FUCKING SHEDEVIL!"


	2. Chapter 2

It was coming close to Culling day, again. Except this time, you don't have a kismesis.

 

You are Vriska Serket troll on the dark planet of Alternia. Culling Day is nearing and you have no idea how you're going to get through it alive. You have Tavros as your matesprit, although you would rather him in a kismessitude. You suppose that you do love him. He _is_ adorable and all, but his neediness and fake confidence can really get on your nerves.

 

Not only that, but you would much rather be a matesprit for Kanaya Maryam. She is a jade-blooded troll and would only need to fill one pail, seeing as she will take care of the mother grub. You love her and wish that she was yours. But she's already red with Aradia, boy that really came from left field.

 

You just need to find someone that you hate and have that person hate you back. That should be simple, shouldn't it?

 

… … … … …

 

Your scourge sister, Terezi Pyrope would be a prime candidate for your blackrom. Your rivalry is still alive and kicking. Unlike your rivalry with Eridan which has died out. Unfortunately, she is taken by Gamzee. You didn't think he had it in him to hate anyone, but hey, The Culling makes everyone a little crazy.

 

Aradia might be another candidate, except for the fact that she's dead, because you killed her, and also taken by your neighbour, Equius.  Jegus. You just cannot catch a 8r8k.

 

You suppose that you can talk to Kanaya about this. She is still your moirail, even if you wish for her to be more. You go to your husktop and fortunately she's online.

 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

 

AG: Hey Kanaya.

GA: Hello Vriska.

GA: What Are You Up To?

AG: Nothing much. Stressing a little I guess.

GA: Why Is That?

AG: Well with Culling Day coming up.

AG: I don't have a kismesis.

GA: . . .

AG: I'm not suggesting anything. Don't worry.

AG: 8ut without a kismesis, I'm going to 8e culled. And no one wants to 8e culled! ::::(

GA: This Seems To Be Quite Problematic.

GA: And How Were You Hoping For Me To Help?

AG: I don't know. May8e 8y giving me suggestions on who to ask?

GA: Hmmmm…

GA: Eridan?

AG: Nah. That fire cooled down a while ago.

GA: Oh Ok Then. I'm Sad To Hear That.

AG: And 8efore you ask, Terezi and Aradia are already taken.

GA: Yes, Of Course.

GA: How About My Other Moirail, Nubs McShouty?

AG: Karkat????????  
GA: Yes.

AG: Wow. I've never thought of him that way. I mean, I've always hated him, 8ut never in that way.

GA: So Is There A Problem With Him?

AG: No. . . No, I guess there isn't. Thank you Kanaya. You've really pulled through once again. ::::)

GA: It's Nothing, Really.

GA: I'm Just Happy That You Won't Be Dying This Perigee.

AG: Thanks. And I'm pretty happy that you aren't either.

GA: Well Good Luck Trying To Calm Down Karkat. Or Riling Him Up. However You're Going To Go About It.

AG: Yeah thanks. I think that I have a little idea. ;;;;)

GA: . . .

AG: Alright then. See you soon Kanaya.

GA: See You. . .

 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

 

You suppose that you should just think until he comes online. You barely talk to him because that stupid all caps grey text begins to be a pain on your eyes, all 8 of them. Yet with your vision 8-fold you can see right through it. His red blood is not hidden from your eyes.

 

A small ping sounds and a message appears in the bottom right of your screen

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist is online --

 

"Eeeeeeeergh, the grey text. Already!!!!!!!!"

 

You wait, watching the screen, head slumped in hands. This is not going to be fun. Nor will it be easy. But terrible things must be endured to continue on living. You're ancestor Marquise Spinneret Mindfang taught you that through her diary.

 

After about 10 minutes of thinking, you choose to message him.

 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

 

AG: Heeeeeeeey Karkat.

AG: How's my nu88y 8uddy going?

 

… … … … … 


	3. Chapter 3

"SPEAK OF THE FUCKING SHEDEVIL!"

She’s messaged you! She never messages you! Maybe, just maybe she knows what you need. You just can’t trust anyone these days. What if Sollux told her??? What kind of world do you live in where you can’t even trust your best friend with a lousy conversation? Certainly not one you would want to be a part of. Better see what she wants though. Hopefully it all goes to plan, the plan which you haven’t exactly made…  
\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

AG: Heeeeeeeey Karkat.  
AG: How's my nu88y 8uddy going?  
CG: WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?  
AG: Oh Karkat, I thought you may have gotten kinder with age. Maaaaaaaajor delusion.  
AG: ;;;;)  
CG: SHUT YOUR FUCKING SARCASM CHUTE AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.  
AG: Ok Karkat. I’m going to level with you. You’re in trou8le.  
AG: An anonymous source has alerted me to your impending doom today.  
AG: And I, however much it pains me to say this, would like to help.  
CG: WHAT!  
CG: WHO TOLD YOU THAT????  
CG: FUCK DAMN IT SOLLUX!  
CG: I’M GOING TO KILL THAT DUAL EYED MOTHERFUCKER.  
AG: Calm down dork.  
AG: It wasn’t that hopeless hack.  
AG: Although who it was shall stay anonymous.  
CG: HMMMM…  
CG: YOU’RE LYING.  
CG: BUT I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.  
CG: WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GOING TO HELP WITH? AND WHY?  
AG: You are such an idiot.  
AG: I have decided to help you escape the culling 8y, I can’t 8elieve I’m saying this, 8y 8eing your kismesis.  
CG: BUT WHY? YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE A REASON. YOU HAVE SO MUCH HATE THAT ANYONE WOULD’VE BEEN YOUR KISMESIS BY NOW.  
AG: Yeah I guess. 8ut everyone is already in an o8sidian rel8tionship.  
AG: And I don’t want to get culled myself.  
CG: OH. SHIT OK THEN.  
CG: I GUESS THAT’S UNDERSTANDABLE.  
CG: I WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO MESSAGE YOU ABOUT IT BUT WHATEVER.  
CG: HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?  
AG: I don’t know. Is your lusus 8eing cra88y at the moment?  
CG: NO MORE THAN USUAL. STILL A PAIN IN THE ASS THOUGH.  
AG: I think I’ll risk coming to your respite 8lock then. That’s good with you right?  
CG: YEAH.  
AG: Cool I guess  
AG: I’ll 8e there in 20 minutes. Gotta 8eat the drones. Then I’ll 8eat you.  
CG: BLUH BLUH STUPID BITCH. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.  
AG: See ya l8r loser. ;;;;)

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

Fuck. This is actually happening. And she contacted you about it! That was a major twist in the plot of your short, insignificant life. What are you going to do? You’ve never had a kismesis before, even if just out of necessity. And, uh, reproduction. How does that work? You watch a lot of rom flicks, but none of them are explicit, no sex. You hope she knows a thing or two. Oh dear Horrorterrors! You’ve got to clean up; the place is a mess. Wait. Do you have to clean up? What’s the protocol for kismessitudes? You think it is to disrespect the other as much as possible. You leave your respiteblock as it is and go to pace through the rest of your hive.

What to do, what to do…. You definitely have to get your crabdad out of the way, maybe he could go gambling with Gamzee’s goat-dragon or something, whatever lusii do when they’re out. That’s item one ticked off the “How to Get Slightly Less Screwed” list. Another item would be that of what to wear. You suppose you’ll get this shitty red turtleneck sweater you have. She really hates it for some reason. An extra box ticked. 

OH SHIT. OH SHIT. OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT. It is well known that a kismessitude will often involve biting and scratching. What if she bites or scratches you and breaks the skin? Your mutant blood would be there, in the open, obvious for her to see. The ridicule you would go through. The amount of blackmail that she’ll give you. After she gets bored of that, she may just tell the black queen and you’ll be culled before you could even think of running. What are you going to do????

You look through your seeing glass and find a small speck slowly getting bigger as it comes moves closer to you. Oh no. You’d recognise the grey trench coat anywhere. IT’S VRISKA!!! ALREADY! You race down to your lusus. 

“GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. GO TO GAMZEE’S LUSUS AND SMOKE CIGARS AND PLAY POKER AND WEAR HATS AND SHAVE AND WHATEVER ELSE LUSII DO!” You shout, almost screeching as you push him towards your back door. He garbles some crabby nonsense as usual, although he’s frothing at the mouth. That’s never a good sign. “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK YOUR DUTIES ARE, JUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR A HORN-GRINDING HOUR OR TWO” You shove him out behind your hive. He falls and looks pained. You feel a sharp twinge of guilt but put it away and run up the stairs to your wardrobe. You start flinging clothes from your drawers all over your room, searching desperately for that stupid red sweater. You find it right at the bottom of your third drawer. A shrills ringing sounds throughout the hive. The doorbell. She’s here. You turn around. Your respiteblock is even more of a mess than before. Possible extra points? Possibly overdoing it? Who cares.

You race down the stairs, quietly though; you don’t want her to here you. You walk casually to the front door. You turn the knob and slowly pull back the large, metal door. She’s standing there, leaning heavily on her right leg. She was wearing her usual grey trench coat, although it was buttoned up. You look her up and down twice. After a wild, hopeful, possibly panicked thought you punch both of her eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

 “WHAT THE HELL KARKAT??!!” you scream.

                That little grub just punched you in both of your eyes. You can hardly see anymore, surely your eyes are swollen black and blue. Not even your vision 8-fold is working anymore. Not only that, but he broke your glasses. The ones specially designed by Equius. You’ll make him pay for that.

                “I WON’T LET YOU SEE MY BLOOD. NOW SHUT UP AND FOLLOW ME.” he shouts. You hear his footsteps moving away from you. What an idiot.

                “Hm. Karkat, I’m not sure if you remember, but you punched me in the face and now I’m at least temporarily blind. And being blind means that you can’t see anything!”

                “OH RIGHT.” He grabs you by the front of your coat and pulls you through his hive. You hope that he doesn’t accidentally rip open your coat. What you’ve got underneath is so terribly embarrassing that you are surprised you’re even wearing it. You feel defenceless as he leads you through the different rooms silently. You trip on what seems to be stairs and hit your chin on the edge. You taste your cobalt blue blood strongly in your mouth.

                “What the hell Karkat? Mind telling me about the freakin stairs?”

                “SHIT SORRY.”

                He continues to lead you up the steps towards what would be his respiteblock. You can smell the sopor slime of his recuperacoon from here; it smells really off and used.

                “What are you planning with me karkat? Was this all a vengeful ruse for my treacherous scourge sister?”

                “NO AND SHUT YOUR IGNORANCE SHAFT. YOU KNOW DAM WELL WHY YOU’RE HERE” He lets go of your coat.

                “Then how are we going to do this?” You feel a sharp pain in your neck as his fangs sink into your flesh. You scream in pain. What is happening? You are meant to be the one in command, you always have been! You then hear the loud ripping of fabric and feel pain move across your stomach as his sharp claws scratch across your torso. You feel a cold draught on your skin. Your trench coat! It’s gone! Your cheeks blush a royal blue.

                Underneath you were wearing nothing but underwear and an upper-torso fat-container. Both jet-black and patterned along the edges with curly, looping blue lines. Just like you’ve seen your ancestor in her diary. You feel bare, open, and strangely aroused. He throws you on the ground and takes you.

…

                You wake up naked in a recuperacoon , but it’s not yours. You look around and see a naked Karkat next to you. The events of last night come flooding back to you. Your scratches and bite marks have almost healed with the powers of mending powers of sopor slime, leaving only scars.

                Karkat is out cold. You think it’s safe to say it, as long as he doesn’t hear. You whisper in his ear.

“I think I hate you.” He doesn’t move. You fall back to sleep. Dreaming of him.


	5. aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of what happened in All the Irons of the Fire.

Vriska and Karkat lived hatefully ever after.

Nepeta and Karkat lived happily ever after.

Vriska and Kanaya lived happily ever after.

 

 

 

 

 

That is, of course, until they met their untimely ends a few months later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**I’m sorry if you were expected more, but my favourite authors are all evil so yeah. It would rub off a bit on me I guess. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAPPY EASTER!**


End file.
